So, last night…was pretty awesome. I had never tried E before, and I’ll admit I was a little scared, but damn was that fun. I didn’t even care what I did at NDMF, I didn’t HAVE to see any bands or artists. I just went along with the world and enjoyed every minute of it. 

And I haven’t gone to sleep yet. 

Also, I don’t call or text people when I’m not sober but last night I just wanted to tell everyone how much I loved them. I was complimenting everyone on their band shirts, I wanted to give high fives to all the volunteers, and water and grass were my very best friends. I’m pretty sure I looked ridiculous but it was worth it. 

Also, I only saw Sparta play like three songs. What’s up with that?

Things I need to do this week:

• Find a new place to live.
• Finish writing what I need to give to Ron for our awesome collaboration. 
• Register for classes.
• Do my Financial Aid.
• Stop freaking out over classes.

Sometimes I follow a blog and I think it’s mostly about yoga and health because I don’t go that far into their other pages. And then, to my horror, a little while later I’ll see them on my dash and I realize that they are actually a thinspo blog. 

And, well: unfollow. 

I respect everyones body type as well as everyones desire to do whatever they want with their bodies but I don’t need those sorts of triggers on my dash. Even though most of the health and yoga blogs on tumblr are targeted and/or run by women, I follow them for inspiration and guidance. So, when I see thinspo blogs, they have an effect on me too. Our bodies may be different but health and fitness is a common goal and I get inspired by anyone who is attempting the same things as I am.

For years, up until the beginning of my junior year in high school I was very over weight and then, almost over night, I became anorexic. One day I just decided to stop eating. It wasn’t a long drawn out decision, I just stopped. I didn’t realize it at the time because the idea of a male becoming anorexic was unheard to me. I just felt that I was doing what I had to to finally become thin. It wasn’t until months and months and several worried conversations from a teacher that I realized what I was doing to my body and my mind. I barely ate and usually only did so after my grandmother would basically beg me to; no matter how small it was, the food I ate haunted me for the rest of the day. When I would eat, it tended to be only a very small salad or smoothie.  I  also over exercised like you wouldn’t believe. And the sad thing is that no one close to me ever said anything. I guess they were all just glad to see me happy and losing the weight that I had wanted to lose for such a long time. 

But it finally dawned on me, what I was doing to my body, when I fainted in the bathroom one day before school. To be honest, it wasn’t that bad, even though I hit my head on the toilet. I was very fortunate to have only just hit the side when I fell, otherwise it could have been very bad. I didn’t tell anyone when I got out but I made the decision to start eating more after that but because I didn’t really understand what I had just gone through, what followed was years of binge eating. I went from one Ed to another.

Even as a vegetarian I ate crap, mostly tons of cheese and bread, with the mindset that as least I was trying to eat healthier. Of course I had gone into vegetarianism with good intentions, being horrified by the slaughter of animals and all the chemicals in the meat but at the time I didn’t know how to properly eat so I fell into a habit that new vegetarians often do. It wasn’t until I ran into Tara Stiles and Kris Carr on the internet that my perception on the body and its relationship with food finally began to transform into what it is now.

Of course, an eating disorder is mental illness that never truly goes away, it’s always in the back of your mind. It was like an addiction, the high being not only the results but the sensation I got from feeling my body eat the fat. So, when I see my body, instead of seeing the progress I’ve made over the years, I tend to look at the flaws and I’m often tempted to fall back into old habits. It’s getting better, though, with all the inspiration from Tara and Kris as well as all the wonderful people here on tumblr.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Not only to the people on here that are recovering ED’s that have shared their stories but others that are struggling with other addictions too. Let’s not let anything master each other.

But please, don’t tag your thinspo yoga, fitness or health because it is not these things.

Is it weird that last nights dream involved me being chased around by a giant, mechanical Fiona Apple? I did so much parkour to get away from her. In the end she fell into the ocean and I met some girl and fell in love.

Robot Fiona Apple dream> Every Transformers movie ever made